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1. Never miss a meal — you might regret it later that hour. 2. Park your car accessibly close. 3. Don’t park in timed zones (2 hour, etc.) — parking overtime adds up. 4. Don’t park in No Parking zones — parking tickets add up and have to be paid before next semester’s registration. 5. Don’t park in Tow Away zones — towing fees are hard to come by. 6. Take the bus. 7. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing autographs. 8. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing casts. 9. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing “I’m a friend when you need one” cards. 10. Staplers can be used to repair the hem on your jeans. 11. Staplers can NOT be used to repair a torn dress or bra strap. 12. Staple removers make great ice tongs for tiny ice cubes. 13. Staple removers are almost worthless for removing heavy-duty staples, whether they are in paper or your drunk roommate’s eyeball. 14. The smell of the contents of a laundry bag is proportional to the height of the guest you just brought in your dorm room compared to where the bag is hanging. The shorter the guest, the higher the bag needs to hang (fumes rise). 15. The smell of the contents of a laundry bag gets worse as the contents get higher in the bag. 16. There are two alternatives to the smell of the contents of the laundry bag: a. Wash the clothes. b. Buy new clothes. c. Taking the clothes home for the weekend for Mama to wash is not an option!! 17. When you have to produce a chart for Geography class, make it color-coded. 18. The extra expense and time of a color-coded chart will be well worth the effort when you see the “A” on the paper. 19. RoseArt makes the cheapest markers and colored pencils for making charts for Geography class. 20. Crayola markers last longer and are probably darker, but since they all dry out eventually and you’ll have to buy another set next semester for the Anthropology charts, why waste the money now? 21. Wal-Mart is the best place to buy school supplies, towels with the University logo, and sweatshirts with the school emblem on them. 22. Prices for EVERYTHING at the college bookstore are seriously inflated to show a profit to the Board of Regents. 23. The Board of Regents really does not care how much you spent on markers. 24. Wal-Mart was the first store on the moon and on Mars, so there will be one in your college town. Find it. Patronize it. Get to know its manager. 25. Wal-Mart and Waffle House are case studies in your Marketing classes textbooks. 26. Waffle House is open 24 hours a day. 27. Waffle House coffee will hold open your eyes, fill an empty tummy that has no other money, and warm a tired student who needed a place to come in out of the rain. 28. Waffle House waitresses LIKE tips. 29. Waffle House waitresses love college kids who tip. 30. Waffle House waitresses will listen with interest when you are professor bashing — just make sure he’s not her brother before you start berating him. 31. Waffle House waitresses will come to your graduation and look on you with pride as their “rent-a-kid” if you’ve tipped often enough. 32. Use a corkboard, not the wall, as your bulletin board. 33. Push pins leave little holes in the wall. 34. Push pins leave little holes in your bank account when you have to pay to have the holes filled in at the end of the semester. Staples do, too. 35. Staples are hard to remove from a bulletin board. Use push pins. 36. Push pins can not be used to deflate your roommate’s boy(or girl)friend’s tires. Except when inserted into the sidewall of the tire (near the rim). 37. Taking 12 pairs of shoes to college is a bit excessive, especially since you’ll wear OUT your favorite tennis shoes, sandals, and loafers, but the others have to be transported to school and back home. 38. Dr. Scholl’s makes great gel inserts for worn-out favorite tennis shoes. 39. If you share a room/bath with several other roommates or hallmates, set the guidelines, nicely, on the first day: a. Don’t use my ________ (insert soap, shampoo, crème rinse, deodorant, towel, washcloth, loofah, etc. as needed) and I’ll try not to use yours but once or twice. b. Don’t bring your girlfriend (or boyfriend) to the room without warning me first. If you do, bring me earplugs and eyeshades so I won’t have to watch what you’re doing. c. Don’t take my last pencil/pen/paper without warning me first. If you do, I might have to use the back of your term paper for my class notes. d. Keep your dirty, smelly laundry on your side of the room. My side will be full of my own. e. Be nice to me. Otherwise, my overly large primate friends might trash your side of the room one night while I’m out for the night and have conveniently left the door unlocked. f. Let me know when you’re going to spend the night out so I can make use of your side of the room. 40. Hole punchers only work if you keep them aligned. 41. Hole punchers only work if you keep them emptied of the little dots they create from punching holes in your papers. 42. Little dots from the hole-puncher hopper make great confetti. 43. Little dots from the hole-puncher hopper are REALLY hard to get out of carpet. 44. The cheap, shag carpet in older rental trailers that your older college friends are renting holds a ton of little dots from the hole-puncher hopper. 45. Use the appropriate size binder clip for the project. 46. Binder clips come in several sizes: a. Teensy (holds 1 sheet of notebook paper or 2 kisses) b. Tiny (holds 4 sheets of notebook paper or 1 folded dollar for the Waffle House waitress). c. Small (holds 8 sheets of notebook paper or 2 quarters for a bad Waffle House tip). d. Medium (holds 20-40 sheets of notebook paper or for attaching 1 small magazine to your roommate’s pillowcase). e. Large (holds 100 sheets of notebook paper or a split seam of a fairly loose garment until you can get back to your dorm room; a split seam of a tight garment needs a coat or garbage to cover it up — repairing it is a waste of time). f. Excessive (holds 4 books and takes 3 people to press it open; if you get your finger caught in its jaws of death, have someone else dial 911). 47. Sticky-do’s (commonly referred to as “post-it notes) come in several flavors: a. 1.5” x 2” (Small. Worthless for anything but reminding yourself to buy larger sticky-do’s). b. 3” x 3” (Medium. Don’t use this size to leave notes on your roommate’s pillow like “We’re all out of cornflakes. FU” [quote from Felix Unger, played by Jack Lemmon, in “The Odd Couple,” a GREAT movie about roommates]). c. 4” x 6” (Large. More expensive, but in the louder colors, make great backgrounds for your roommate’s dull bulletin board). 48. Gem clips, whether plastic or metal, are worthless. Unless you need to hold used tissues together while your drunken roommate spills the beans at IHOP about the frat party bash/orgy/sleepover. 49. IHOP waitresses like tips, too. 50. Academic pursuits in college are for your spare time. Pursue them sparingly. Next: How to survive your first semester academically.

Johnnie W. Lewis is the author and self-taught illustrator of “The Five Finger Paragraph” series for K-12 students, which teaches students to write paragraphs and essays without the battles! She also writes and illustrates “The Writing Police” series, which reinforces grammar while the reader is having fun with the mystery! Visit http://www.thefivefingerparagraph.com for more information or contact her at johnnie@thefivefingerparagraph.com.

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Here are some funny baseball quotes that made me laugh. Funny Baseball Quotes A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. Earl Wilson When they start the game, they don’t yell, “Work ball.” They say, “Play ball.” Willie Stargell, 1981 When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen A baseball park is the one place where a man’s wife doesn’t mind his getting excited over somebody else’s curves. Brendan Francis There have been only two geniuses in the world. Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. Tallulah Bankhead Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It’s the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot. Dick Gregory What does a mama bear on the pill have in common with the World Series? No cubs. Harry Caray Confucius say: Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk. Author Unknown With the money I’m making, I should be playing two positions. Pete Rose, 1977 Andre Dawson has a bruised knee and is listed as day-to-day. Aren’t we all? Vin Scully Cricket is baseball on valium. Robin Williams Finish last in your league and they call you Idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you Doctor. Abe Lemons The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing. Dizzy Dean I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally. Rich Donnelly, minor league manager Let no one accuse baseball of not being tough on drugs. During his baseball career, Steve Howe was given 7 lifetime suspensions. Bill Ferraro, baseball fan. I could never play in New York. The first time I came into a game there, I got into the bullpen car and they told me to lock the doors. Mike Flanagan, Baltimore Orioles On his own scouting report: “Very deceptive. Slower than he looks. Joe Garagiola A lot of things run through your head when you’re going in to relieve in a tight spot. One of them was, ‘Should I spike myself ? Lefty Gomez Three more saves and he ties John the Baptist. Hank Greenwald, on Bruce Sutter

Aron Wallad has been a baseball lover for over 45 years. You will love his honesty and his passion.. You will be touched by the heartwarming stories. The unusual statistics will amaze you and the quotes will make you laugh…Sometimes

Go here right now to join his ezine
http://www.baseballsprideandjoy.com

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Laughter and humor are necessities in life. We need to have a release for all the pressure that comes our way and nothing is better at helping us keep our equilibrium than jokes and funny stories, just like at jokepass.com.

Bill Cosby once said, “If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.” Instead of getting angry and growing old and wrinkled before your time, why not find the humor in your situation and share your real-life funny situation forum. Let’s face it: life is unfair! Society should let men wear heels too! Until it happens, just smile and let your funny bone get exercised.

At jokepass.com, we believe that the saying “laughter is the best medicine is absolutely true. So we set out to give you a place where you can find at least one thing to make you giggle and lighten your day. We aim to get those cheeks rosy and have your heart pumping and wipe those years away.

Just imagine, with jokepass.com, you won’t need surgery to look younger and be healthier. All you need to do is laugh! Your laughter will automatically make your body increase production of those natural killer cells that destroy tumors and viruses. Those ho-ho’s and ha-ha’s can increase the T-cells so important to our immune system and B-cells needed to make disease fighting antibodies. Laughing actually increases oxygen in the blood, lowers the blood pressure and encourages healing.

Can you name any medicine that can heal hearts and souls, not just the body? Laughter can. It can help bring families and friends closer together and can make the heaviest loads light. A chuckle or two can make the day fly faster when you’re stuck doing a really boring task. Look at the men in the Pike Market. They have so much fun, the FISH philosophy was born.

You don’t need to throw fish around to get started. All you need to do is visit Joke Pass and find a joke that tickles your funny bone. Try to guess the answer to one of the riddles or watch some of the member’s favorite funny videos. There’s always something funny going on over here.

Have you been looking for a place to share your puns? Then you’ve found a home! Be “punny”, be funny, feel free to share. The more laughter we generate around the world the better. Old joke, new joke, blonde jokes, knock-knock jokes…send them our way.

Let’s get serious for a moment. We can go around being grim and gritting our teeth and just trying to get through the day. Uh! Boring! Put some color in your life. Be a little silly. Lighten up, dude! One of the best ways to get a grip on your life is through humor. We know life is tough and it isn’t easy. Come over and take 5 with us. Joke Pass will help you get back to work with a lighter feeling and more smiles.

Make the time for laughter. Let us help add humor to your day. Spend some time at jokepass.com and get your belly aching (and your ab muscles working) with laughter.

Tom Takihi is the proud owner of the Joke Pass Forum. All you need to do is visit http://www.jokepass.com and find a joke that tickles your funny bone.

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Sophistication is not a nice word. It comes from the noun “sophism” meaning a false argument,intention to deceive. Nowadays,sophistication implies elagance and a manner of behaviour which sets the sophisticate at a revered distance from the rest of us. There’s a thin line to tread between enigmatic and being an outcast;knowing how to tread that line is what constitutes sophistication.To do so,consider the following suggestions:
1.Live where the rich live. Even if its a cardboard box. And refer to it as your pied-a-terre.
2.Become a gourmet. Keep freshly ground coffee(Brazilian or French roast)on hand and dry white wine. French mustard,English horseradish and Italian olive oil are a musts.(The sophisticates are fussy about their food.)Get an electric squeezer and always make fresh orange juice. Use linen napkins-never paper.
3.Profess to a hatred of flying, but try to fly as often as possible.
4. Walk slowly,even if you’re in a hurry.
5.Perfect the art of understatement.Example,”It’s very fresh in here’”, not “Christ, it’s freezing.”
6.Read tony magazines.Subscribe to Town&Country,Architectural Digest,Connoissuer and anything with a horse on a cover.
7. Be cynical about the trendy and excited about the obscure.
8.Exercise in private. Let others sweat publicly.
9.Write on the right stuff. Have your stationery embossed.
10. Dress rich. They love the “impractical” colors. So sport beige,camel,cream and white.Everything should look spotless and freshly pressed as if you had a personal maid in attendance.
11. Be open about “finds”.Like…” I know this marvelous place where they sell suede suits wholesale” or ” I found this divine little Greek place…just a luncheonette really but the moussaka is superb”.
12. Be at ease with luxury and completely at home with palatial surroundings.Admire the view,the flower arrangements…anything but the furniture.Say “it’s comfortable in here,” not “How do you ever keep those huge white sofas clean?”
13. Pamper your hands,feet and hair.Impeccable grooming wins you points. Say”salon or spa,” never “beauty shop”.
!4.Exude confidence in restaurants.Be polite but not over friendly with the maitre d’s and waiters. Order with authority. Learn enough French to sound knowledgeable and make sure your accent is perfect.
15. Gift friends with style. Whether you can shell out 100 dollars or ten,don’t give useful presents like pot holders and coffee makers. Instead opt for a bottle of champagne,silver swizzle stick or coffeetable book on the vanishing tribes of Borneo.
16.Laugh,if you must,deep and throatily and hardly at all.
17. Use Bristishisms. Pepper your speech with awfully,frightfully,tremendously.”I must say, it was an awfully good dinner party.”
True sophistication gives the illusion of immunity to the commonplace,which in turn,entails a very subtle flaunting of confidence.

J.A. Orais is a full time entrepreneur and internet marketer. http://tinyurl.com/qg936 or visit her blog http://sunkist887.blogspot.com
May reprint this article provided the resource box is included.

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Hello,

I just want to tell you about this new site I came across the other day. It is called eRetards.com and it is kind of like the site iFilm.com . You can view videos and upload videos for others to watch. Great place just to “hang out” and waste some time. Great laughs too!!!!

If you have a moment, please stop by at http://eRetards.com

Thomas Fredenburg 2006

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