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Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions
(NERD). Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personalities back home.
Get details on Italian tourism, events and Italian recipes on :- www.queeninitaly.com

Tom Cruise’s wedding seemed to be getting a lot of attention in the NERD press- much more than in the Italian papers.
The town of Bracciano was beseiged by paparazzi and one ex-English resident of the town had written to the Middle England Bible complaining that they would like their town back…. please Tom!

But some residents were cashing in on the event,even renting out their balconies with a view of the castle for a mere $1,000
for the day! Tom of course was in full control - he had put a million dollar gagging order on the catering staff so that no details of the wedding feast at one of the most famous restaurants in Rome would be revealed.

“But who cares what they are going to eat?” protested the Queen.

“Well, I suppose a waiter could get a nice tidy sum for revealing the menu to a journalist and steal Tom’s thunder”
mused the Press Secretary. “But he didn’t succeed in getting the airspace closed over Bracciano - the helicopter traffic is deafening”, he laughed.

“The Scientology wedding ceremony is rather interesting- he promises or acknowledges that ‘girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,a comb and perhaps a cat!” exclaimed the Queen.

“And she promises or knows that ‘young men are free and may forget their promises” chimed in the Press Secretary.

Prince Consort snorted “So, if Tom is unfaithful, she can beat him over the head with the pan, use the comb to get him out of her hair and console herself with the company of the cat!”

The next morning as the Press Secretary entered, he said to no one in particular

“She’s absolutely furious!”

“Who?”the Queen asked puzzled

“The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot”
said the Press Secretary.

“Tomcat is a male cat” said PC with great emphasis.

“But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony - ‘perhaps a cat’ - sex not specified” said the Queen.

“Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?”

“First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know’Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb’” said the Press Secretary.

“Instead, nobody appeared in the town - everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks” he continued. “And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!”

“You know, I think the Mayor is right” the Queen said thoughtfully ” They should have done a walkabout - I would have done - I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general” she finished lamely.

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!”the Press Secretary laughed.

“At least Mrs Beckham’s hat was useful - she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !” sneered PC.

Author: Robert William Locke . colbor@yahoo.com
Enjoys looking at the lighter side of life. He has been described as having a ‘mad imagination’! Interests include Italian and British politics ,swimming, cooking, reading, blogging, Internet, travelling, cinema.
http://www.queeninitaly.com –Lots of info available on Italian Events, Tourism, Cooking.

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Read the humorous adventures of the exiled Queen as she learns to cope with Italian social mores and a complicated political scenario. Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions (NERD). Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personalities back home.
Get details on Italian tourism, events and Italian recipes on :- www.queeninitaly.com

“Binoculars please” the Queen snapped. The Press Secretary
knew that the Queen had never, ever recovered from finding a man in her bedroom about twenty years ago. That incident had left a deep scar on her psyche. She had tried Bach flower remedies and later psychotherapy but she was still haunted by the incident. As a result, she always worried about security.

She took no time at all to focus on the Mini Cooper. It had an Italian registration number.

“2003, Mini Cooper S, Inline 4 and Front Wheel Drive” she said briskly.

“But look further down towards that copse…. I can just make out a man lurking in the trees”

“Can I have a look?” asked the Press Secretary “It’s a woman”.

“No, it’s a man!”insisted the Queen

“It’s a cross dresser!” said PC but nobody appreciated this flippant remark at this very tense moment.

“Shall we say it is a mere mortal?” said the Press Secretary.

The Queen shot him a nasty look. “She/he or it is an intruder
and I want him/her or it off the property,fast, pronto!”

“It could be a NERD spy from the anti-monarchists- they are a nosey lot” suggested the Press Secretary.

“Enough of Shakespearian cross dressing and spies in from the cold or heat for that matter- I want them out” shouted the Queen.

The Press Secretary was resigned to his fate
.”Allright, I will go and see this person/thing/drag queen off the estate”

“We will hide in the basement - take the Smith Wesson with you, just in case”.

“Don’t do yourself in” sneered PC.

The Press Secretary first went to the Control Room-all rooms on red alert. He quickly changed into his ACU- the latest US model-a combination of green-woodland, grey- urban and sand brown- desert. He pulled on his jungle ripple boots.

He was well trained and hardened. It had been a requisite for the job- ‘combat training and experience highly desirable’. He had successfully completed the Skutsnuz GRU training with the Russian Special Forces. He had been a rugby player too in another life but had no time for the Gavin Hensons of this world
who went under the sun lamp before matches! Ridiculous! These guys did not even know the meaning of ‘Dinosaur’ strength workouts, nor speed uphill training. They had probably never even heard of capture-bonding. Hardly necessary after a rugby match,admittedly, but HE was ready for anything now after that training. Because of his somewhat mild- mannered nature, they had no idea that he was a man of steel.

He quickly took the all-purpose clasp-knife and the fling knife for good measure. On second thoughts, he decided to take the Beretta 21 Bobcat - much easier loading.

He skirted the rear courtyard. He crawled through the ferns near the copse. He lay still, his super Health-Watch showed all bodily functions working perfectly. Adrenalin was rushing- he felt strong and calm. He saw a shadow through trees. Then a female figure emerged from the cover. She looked perplexed.

“Walk with your hands above your head” he ordered keeping the Beretta aimed at her heart.

“Don’t be ridiculous-where do you think we are- Abu Ghraib prison!” said the intruder.

“It is my duty to warn you that you are trespassing on the Queen’s property”

“What Queen - I am a sort of queen- my name is Valerie Lust- the first ever transgender member of Parliament!”

The Press Secretary slowly lowered the revolver. He recognised the angular facial features- the Italian press had been full of Ms Valerie Lust. The scene could have been from an Almodovar film- the tough combat fighter meets a transgender MP in an Italian garden belonging to an exiled Queen! The figures blended in with the beautiful surroundings- vague colours of the uniform hardly distinguishable from the trees while Valerie’s pale mauve trouser suit was a perfect match for the lavender bushes at her feet.

The Press Secretary could barely contain his fury. He explained who the tenants were and asked Ms Lust what she was doing on the property.

“Just passing by on my way to Urbino for a meeting, took a wrong turning and parked my Mini Cooper over there and was just strolling,admiring the lavender”

“I will accompany you to the car” he gallantly offered.

“Do you think I could possibly meet the Queen?” He thought for a moment and decided that any member of Parliament of whatever sex would be asset for their cause, even if this MP was elected by the Communists.

“Very well” he said

“Take me to your Queen”, she laughed.

He clomped down the gravel paths, kicking the stones and thought that he would never live this down. Worst of all, PC had been right- the intruder was indeed a cross dresser!

Author: Robert William Locke . colbor@yahoo.com
Enjoys looking at the lighter side of life. He has been described as having a ‘mad imagination’! Interests include Italian and British politics ,swimming, cooking, reading, blogging, Internet, travelling, cinema.
http://www.queeninitaly.com –Lots of info available on Italian Events, Tourism, Cooking.

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I was browsing the web t’other day as I do and I came across this sentence … “a monkey on a po-go stick” and in the same way I assume this title has attracted your attention, it attracted mine.

I clicked on the link expecting to find a picture of a depressed chimp stuck on a po-go doing embarrassing tricks for the heartless public and to my surprise and delight t’was a game and being only human I decided to see what it was like.

The game started and I thought what a load of rubbish. Of course this was before I knew what I had to do, and being an impatient sort of guy I wasn’t prepared to read the instructions.

After a little while I got the hang of it and wow! I loved it.

The idea is to wait until the monkey falls to the ground and at its maximum up thrust level you press the space bar and this sends the po-go, monkey attached, to the sky and when it falls, you wait and press the space bar at the right time again. You have to time it perfectly and your rhythm must be top notch or you will find this game difficult. That’s the game anyway.

I was getting high scores and beating my personal best. Nearly an hour flew by and I had mastered the art of monkey po-go jumping. I still play it every now and then when I’m bored on the pc. I love it so I just had to have it on my own website.

If this bouncing monkey tale has attracted your interest then why not see what I’m talking about first hand by visiting my website.

Heres a link to this game -> http://www.geekazoid.co.uk/Games/Games-Page/Action/Reach-The-Sky.php

Please Visit My Website http://www.geekazoid.co.uk

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THE FARTING CONTEST
By
Conn Hutzell

In a farting contest the one who craps his pants is the winner. There are no continuances, take backs or do over’s…it’s finished. And like with any other contest the winner stands alone. Only, if you win a farting contest this way (the winner by crapping) not only will you stand alone, you will stand alone at a great distance from everyone else….that is unless you’re in a car.

The boys were having one such olfactory offensive contest one day when we were on our way back from the beach. Nothing like swallowing half a lake of water to get the ole’ gastro-intestinal functions pumping. Anyway, they were in the backseat letting go with Rippers, Squeakers, Lone Rangers and the ever-popular Boomers. Like any great contest, faces were turning red and the grunts could be heard outside the car…with the windows rolled up. I was grateful though; that we were on a main road so the windows could be kept rolled down to eliminate the aftermath of the festivities in the backseat. At one point I had the car up to 80 just trying to keep the air flowing enough so Angela and I wouldn’t pass out from the fumes.

But, unlike other contests, the noise and cheers are during the contest only. In this competition, the winner is not cheered but rather, ostracized by his fellow competitors and silence thus ensues. This is how we knew the competition had ended. All we heard in the front seat was the wind rushing by and all we could smell were the scents of the pines and the roadside diners…..for about 2 minutes. You see, after a fart becomes real, it takes a minute or two for the reality to sink in, or rather to squish out.

“What is that smell” Angela asks me. “I think one of the boy’s crapped his pants” I respond. “Did one of you crap your pants?” Angela inquires to the back seat…complete silence.
WE HAVE A WINNER! Faces were no longer red but kind of a sheet white color. Blake expounded his defeat “I didn’t do it!” Andrew, even in victory, softly speaks: ”I think I did”. “Well did you or didn’t you?” (Angela by this time is almost completely turned around) “Yes…but I didn’t mean to!”. He sat there silently when he should have been screaming…BUT I WON…I PAID THE ULTIMATE TO SUCCEED…I CAME, I SAW, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!! I have to admit it myself, not many kids have that kind of desire and drive. Needless to say, we all shared in Drew’s victory…all the way home! The windows stayed down and I picked it up to 85 just to stay ahead of the green fog that was permeating the car.

The silence continued until we arrived home. As soon as the car came to a stop, three doors flew open and the exodus from the car was faster than a dog with an infection scooting across the living room carpet. Drew remained seated for a few seconds, wallowing in his victory (so to speak). As he exited the car he proudly walked, bow legged, up the steps to the front door only to be denied entry. Angela stripped him not only of his trophy but also his swimsuit and dignity right there on the front porch. Till the day I die I will never forget his victory walk to the shower displaying his triumph….all the way up his back.

Conn Hutzell Conn has written several short stories and articles, is a self taught Internet and computer geek, owner of www.allthatshopping.com Internet Mall and has been designing sites since 1997.

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After a website is optimized for the search engines, some creative marketing can easily be done to help drive new traffic to your site. Many high traffic entertainment/humor websites use funny videos that are viewed for free by site visitors. In fact, many of these viral video clips that are sent around the world via e-mail originated from these websites.

The only down side to starting a funny videos site is the initial cost to build it, and ongoing update costs, coupled with the bandwidth these websites consume, which can cost between $100-$1000/month just for hosting on a dedicated server. This is because these funny videos websites have hundreds or even thousands of downloadable videos available, and every time one is viewed there is a sizable amount of bandwidth consumed.

So how do you take the idea from the funny videos platform and apply it to your own website? Webmasters can easily incorporate this creative marketing technique into their own eCommerce websites.

Think about it this way. Most eCommerce websites have one primary function: To sell a product. The key to success with an eCommerce website is to rank high in the search engines and be found by someone looking for a product. Often times when a customer visits an eCommerce site, he or she sees the same basic format. There is a nice looking home page with an overview of the company and product line, and some pictures of featured products. Then the customer can find links to other product pages as well, or do a search for a product by keyword.

But to get the customer to come back to your website and buy more products, there must be something that sets you apart from your competition. How can this be done? There are two effective methods to achieve this. In a nutshell, adding video media will bring a whole new dimension to your website to help drive new traffic and gain repeat visitors.

In the case of an entertainment website, the funny videos are the catalyst that drives the repeat traffic to the website. In the case of an eCommerce website, you can add videos to your pages that blend with the theme of a particular product.

For example, if you sell fishing gear, then you can add the funny video of the reporter in Mexico who was floating down the river, only to be repeatedly pummeled by hundreds of fish that were jumping at his spotlight into the boat. That should get a laugh from your customer, and give them something to feel good about while they are looking at your product inventory. It’s kind of like a bakery. When you walk into a bakery, you are almost always enticed to buy something. It makes you feel good. Well on the internet, you unfortunately don’t have the option of smelling what you see. But adding funny media can arouse other senses in a customer and make their shopping experience more enjoyable.

Another great way to help market your product is by creating ‘how to’ videos for your products. For example, if you sell products for sailboats, you can make a series of short ‘knot-tying’ videos, and feature a different type of video on each product page. This can be done easily with a digital camera that records video clips.

Here is how you can accomplish this:
1.First, set up an area where you camera is on a tripod or table.
2.Next, make sure you have a good backdrop for the video clips. You want to use an area that makes the action in the video stand out.
3.Then record the video. In the case of knot-tying, you can write a script before hand and narrate the video as you are tying each knot for the camera.
4.Then download your video clip to your computer. You can also modify the size of your video with any video editing shareware tool.
5.Simply upload the video clip to your website and link to it with a descriptive title. That is it.

One idea to make this effective is add one knot-tying clip to each product page. This will not only make the customer want to visit each page, but it keeps them interested in your website.

There is one more important point to consider. You must present the training clips so they are most effective. To do this, be sure and place them in a prominent area on each page so they can be seen. And add several lines of text under the video link with a description of the video and keywords that someone might find while searching. For example you can tag the video link with ‘Instructional Video On How To Tie An Angler’s Knot’.

Then lastly, you can create a separate webpage with a ‘video directory’ of all your videos. You want to also have search engine friendly keywords on this page as well. Then add a link to your directory page from your other pages, especially your index page.

These tips will help your website stand out from the competition. Simply by adding a few funny videos to your site, or some informative training videos that you can easily create from your home or office, you have added a creative marketing edge that goes beyond optimization.

The author of this article, creative marketing guru and a webmaster - Bryan Robinson is the owner of www.monkeybriefs.com, an entertainment/humor website that demonstrates the effectiveness of funny videos in driving website traffic. He also has used these marketing techniques in his own eCommerce websites.

Bryan Robinson is the owner of MonkeyBriefs.com, an entertainment/humor website.

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